How to Help Your Perfectionist Child

 

 

As parents, we often find ourselves celebrating our children’s successes and encouraging them to aim high. After all, who doesn’t want their child to shine? But sometimes, the desire to do well shifts into something heavier perfectionism.

A perfectionist child isn’t just someone who likes things neat or wants to get an “A” on a test. It’s the child who bursts into tears because the letter “S” in their drawing looks “wrong.” It’s the student who hands in a project late because it “wasn’t good enough yet,” even after hours of work. When perfectionism goes unchecked, it can chip away at confidence, fuel anxiety, and make learning less joyful than it should be.

So, how can we as parents' guide our kids toward a healthier balance? Here are some practical ways to support your perfectionist child—while helping them see that growth matters more than flawless results.

1. Remind them that your love isn’t tied to achievement

Kids need to hear—over and over again—that they are loved just for being who they are, not for what they accomplish. A simple “I love you, win or lose” can go a long way. When your child stumbles, reassure them that mistakes don’t make them less worthy of love or respect.

2. Praise the effort, not the outcome

Instead of calling their work “perfect” or “brilliant,” highlight the process:

• “I love how much effort you put into that project.”
• “You stayed so focused—I can see how much time you spent on this.”
• “Look at all the creative ideas you came up with!”

This helps shift their focus from “Did I get it right?” to “I worked hard and I grew.”

3. Don’t dismiss their big feelings

Perfectionist kids often feel crushed by what seems like a small setback. Rather than brushing off their emotions with “It’s not a big deal,” try connecting:

• “That sounds frustrating—I’ve felt that way too.”
• “It’s okay to be disappointed. I’m here with you.”

Validation shows them their feelings are real and acceptable—even when the outcome isn’t.

4. Teach self-kindness (by modeling it yourself)

Children copy what they see. If they watch you shrug off mistakes and speak kindly to yourself, they’re more likely to do the same. Try saying out loud:

• “I made a mistake, but that’s okay. I’ll try again.”

It normalizes the idea that failure isn’t final—it’s just part of learning.

5. Let them experience “safe” failures

This one is tough for parents, but so important. If everything always works out perfectly, kids never learn how to cope when it doesn’t. Give them room to try new things—even if failure is possible. Whether it’s baking cookies that flop or attempting a new sport, let them see that mistakes don’t define them.

6. Help them set realistic, step-by-step goals

Perfectionist kids often get stuck because their goals are too big and overwhelming. Teach them to break tasks into smaller steps. For example, instead of “Write the whole essay tonight,” set the goal of “Write the introduction today.” This keeps the work manageable and less intimidating.

Final Thought

Perfectionism might look like “high standards,” but underneath it is often fear—fear of failure, of letting people down, of not being “enough.” As parents, our role isn’t to remove that fear overnight, but to gently remind our kids that they are already enough, just as they are.

Growth, not perfection, is the goal. And when our children begin to embrace that idea, they’ll discover something far more fulfilling than being flawless: being free to learn, explore, and simply enjoy the process.

Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.   

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