How To Wire A Child for Co-dependency

 

 

Co dependency doesn’t suddenly appear in adulthood. It often begins quietly in childhood, shaped by the way children learn to relate to their own feelings and the emotions of the people around them.

Adults who struggle with co dependency often have difficulty knowing who they are and what they need outside of others. Their sense of safety and self worth becomes tied to how other people feel about them. Over time, they learn to look outward for validation instead of inward for understanding.

At its core, co dependency is about losing connection with oneself. When children learn that their feelings are a threat to relationships, they may begin to hide, suppress, or abandon their own needs. They learn that staying connected means keeping others comfortable, even at their own expense.

This wiring often starts early. Children are constantly asking important questions, even if they don’t have the words for them yet.
Who do I need to be to feel safe?
Are my feelings welcome?
Do my needs matter?

One of the most important things parents can avoid is linking a child’s emotions to their own emotional well being.

When a child hears messages like “That hurts Mommy’s feelings” or “You’re making me sad,” they may begin to believe they are responsible for managing adult emotions. This does not teach empathy. Instead, it teaches children that their feelings are dangerous and that love depends on emotional performance.

True empathy develops when parents create emotional space. This means seeing a child’s feelings for what they are, signals of inner experience, not personal attacks.

Instead of focusing on how a child’s emotions affect you, focus on what those emotions might be telling you about their inner world. A child who speaks harshly may be overwhelmed, frustrated, or struggling to feel heard.

You might say, “You sound really upset. I want to understand what’s going on for you,” or “I care about your feelings, and I’m here to listen when you’re ready to talk respectfully.”

And when you have big feelings of your own, model responsibility. Let your child know that emotions belong to the person experiencing them. You can say, “You’re noticing that I’m upset, and that’s true. But my feelings are mine to take care of. You didn’t cause them, and you don’t need to fix them.”

This is how children learn healthy boundaries. They learn that relationships can hold honesty, emotions, and connection without sacrificing the self.

Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.

More articles on www.MrMizrahi.com