Six Parenting Mistakes that Fuel Sibling Rivalry

 

Many parents I work with feel overwhelmed by the constant sibling rivalry and bickering that seems to come naturally between their kids. I get it — it can be frustrating when your children can't seem to get along, no matter how hard you try. But here's the thing: sometimes, without realizing it, we as parents might be unintentionally fueling the competition between them.

What if I told you that with a few simple adjustments, you could reduce the fighting, foster more connection, and create a family atmosphere filled with love instead of rivalry? Let’s dive into some common parenting missteps that escalate sibling rivalry and how you can turn things around:

1. Treating Family Time as "All-Inclusive"
Family time is essential for bonding, but when we try to do everything together, it can create competition for our attention. Siblings naturally start vying for that limited resource—your time and focus—which can lead to arguments and frustration.

What to Do Instead:
Set aside 10-15 minutes of one-on-one time with each of your kids every day. Whether it’s reading, playing Legos, or shooting hoops, this special time allows your child to feel seen and valued. Over time, you’ll notice less fighting and more harmony, as your kids start to feel secure in their relationship with you.

2. The “Everyone into the Pool” Approach
It’s easy to group your kids together in activities, but when they’re doing the same thing, it can spark rivalry. Whether it’s sports, music lessons, or martial arts, the competition can feel even more intense when they’re pursuing the same interests.

What to Do Instead:
Use that one-on-one time to explore each child's individual talents and interests. Does one child love painting, while another is into soccer? Celebrate those unique preferences and encourage them to pursue their passions. This not only fosters their independence but also helps them appreciate each other’s unique abilities.

3. Unknowingly Labeling Your Kids
We all know not to use negative labels like “shy” or “spoiled,” but sometimes we accidentally create division by giving our kids “positive” labels such as “the smart one” or “the funny one.” While these labels may seem harmless, they can create unnecessary comparisons between siblings.

What to Do Instead:
Avoid labels altogether. Instead of focusing on individual traits, celebrate the unique qualities of each child as a whole. Remind them how special they are for who they are, not for a particular label or achievement.

4. Creating Unnecessary Competition
It might seem like a fun game to say things like, “Who can get dressed the fastest?” or “Let’s see who can be the quietest!” But these statements create a clear winner and loser, which can escalate rivalry.

What to Do Instead:
Encourage cooperation over competition. Try a “When-Then” approach: “When you’re ready for bed and have brushed your teeth, then we can read together before lights out.” This builds teamwork and helps eliminate the need for constant competition.

5. The "Go-To" Kid
We all have that one child who is dependable and gets things done without a fuss. While this can feel like a time-saver, it can make the other kids feel overlooked and unimportant.

What to Do Instead:
Resist the temptation to always rely on the same child. Set reasonable expectations for each child and give them opportunities to step up. Let them know you appreciate their efforts and contributions, no matter how small.

6. Assigning Roles in a Fight
It’s natural to intervene when kids fight, but assigning them roles like “victim” and “aggressor” can reinforce negative behaviors and prevent them from learning how to resolve conflicts on their own.

What to Do Instead:
Focus on teaching conflict resolution skills. Instead of labeling them, ask questions like, “What can you both do to work this out?” This helps them learn how to find peaceful solutions and strengthens their relationship.

A Final Thought:
Sibling rivalry is completely normal, and sometimes, despite our best efforts, conflicts will arise. But how we handle those moments is what truly matters. By shifting our mindset and making small, consistent changes, we can help our kids develop the skills to nurture their relationships in healthy, loving ways that will last a lifetime.

So take a deep breath, apply these strategies, and savor these precious moments with your kids. With a little patience, you’ll see more love and less rivalry at home. And remember, we're here to support you every step of the way!

 

 

 

Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband. 

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