How To Deal with Your Child’s Problematic Behavior

 

Have you ever looked at your child’s behavior and thought, “Why are they reacting like this?”
The outbursts. The shutdowns. The sudden anger that seems to come out of nowhere.

What if those behaviors aren’t “bad behavior” at all—but signs of a child who is simply overwhelmed?

When children are in a heightened state of emotional stress, their brains are on high alert. Their limbic system—the part of the brain responsible for emotion and threat detection—becomes extra sensitive. Research even shows that children who are chronically over-aroused can misread neutral faces as hostile.

In other words, their brain is constantly asking, “Am I safe?”
And often, the answer feels like no.

So when a child reacts with anger, defensiveness, or completely shuts down, what we’re really seeing is an outward expression of inner stress overload.

If we respond with blame, punishment, or threats—without recognizing what’s happening underneath—we unintentionally add more stress to an already overwhelmed system. And instead of helping, we make things harder for them.

 

Why your response matters more than you think

From the very first years of life, children learn how to regulate their emotions through their relationship with their parents. Nature designed us to help our children calm down through what researchers often call the “interbrain”—that shared emotional connection created through eye contact, tone of voice, touch, and emotional presence.

This connection teaches children how to soothe themselves. Over time, these experiences become internal tools they carry with them into school, friendships, and adulthood.

Warm, nurturing care early in life plays a huge role in stress management—but it’s important to say this clearly:
Even children raised in loving, supportive homes can struggle with self-regulation.

That’s not a failure. It’s part of being human.

Which is why understanding how self-regulation works—and how we can support it—matters so much.

 

Practical steps to help your child through challenging behavior

 

1. Recognize when your child is overstressed
Learn to read the signs. Explosive reactions, withdrawal, defiance, or tears can all be signals of a nervous system on overload. When you reframe behavior as stress—not willful misbehavior—you can respond with curiosity instead of judgment. This shift alone can change everything.

2. Identify what’s causing the stress
Stress doesn’t come from just one place. It can be biological (lack of sleep, hunger), emotional (anxiety, frustration), cognitive (school demands), or social (friendships, expectations). Looking at the whole picture helps you respond more effectively.

3. Reduce stress where you can—starting with yourself
Children absorb our emotional state. When we learn to regulate our own stress, we become less reactive and more present. This not only helps our children feel safer—it also models the very skills we want them to learn.

4. Help your child find calming strategies that work for them
There is no one-size-fits-all solution. Some children calm down through movement, others through quiet time, breathing exercises, music, or creative outlets. Encourage exploration and support them in finding what truly helps their body and brain settle.

5. Think long-term, not immediate perfection
Self-regulation is a process. These steps won’t magically eliminate all frustration (yours or theirs), but they do reduce unnecessary suffering. When children feel understood and supported, their capacity to cope with life’s challenges grows—and so does your relationship with them.

 

A calmer child starts with understanding

Helping children understand their emotions and recognize their stressors is one of the most powerful gifts we can give them. Every child is different, and that’s okay. Our role isn’t to “fix” them—but to guide, support, and walk beside them as they learn.

And when we support our children this way, something else happens too:
Our homes become calmer. Our relationships soften. And stress decreases—not just for them, but for everyone.

Coach Benjamin Mizrahi
Educator • Learning Specialist • Family Coach • Father • Husband

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